It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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