My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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