hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
