A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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