Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
