Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
