I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
