If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
