when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
