I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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