Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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