Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
