the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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