why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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