There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
