just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
