I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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