Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
