I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
being pregnant is like rehab
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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