Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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