god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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