i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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