I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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