I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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