i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
