then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
