Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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