How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
