Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
