Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
