it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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