Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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