I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
