I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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