No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
