I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
