Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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