You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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