Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize
