The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
