Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
