i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
