I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
