she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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