when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
