Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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