somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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