Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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