Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
