i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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