And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
