I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
