I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
