she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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