remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
