My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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