He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
