I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
