He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
