Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
